Whew...

Oh friends. Oh me oh my. I don't know if anyone is still checking in here, but if so, hello. I have so much to say and so much going on in my mind and life, yet not much time to get it out of my head. I want to try to do so more often though as I find it to be a helpful addition to my days and also love the community it builds as well as giving me the ability to look back on moments, memories, and thoughts I may otherwise not capture.

Lately though, I have been focused on me. After months of relative new-baby normalcy, with it's own bumps and curves, but nothing too dramatic, I was left spinning the past couple of weeks. I was suddenly run over by the strongest and most debilitating anxiety I have ever faced and was left barely able to function. Tearing up constantly, laying in bed for over 5 hours with no sleep coming my way, feeling so distant from all, afraid of every single car or person that passed me by. While I am still recovering from this and working to get to a better place, I feel a bit more capable and feel I am on the right track to continuing on to becoming more joyful again. A combination of lots of talking and opening up to those I love, some vitamins, lots of affirmations/thinking/reassurance, calcium-magnesium to help my body rest, good nutrition, lavender essential oil spray, an occasional dose of homeopathic chamomile and as much exercise and rest as I can squeeze in...these are things that have been helping. If you have any other advice I am open to any and all, so long as they are breastfeeding compatible. I did buy a bottle of motherwort but one of our midwives said it can be addictive to some, so I am steering clear for now as that's not a road I want to travel if not totally necessary.

Otherwise things are going okay. We have been talking more and more about our plans on moving closer to where E works and where we spend almost all of our out-of-house time and are making a plan of attack. While this won't happen in the next few months or anything, knowing we are moving in the right direction and knowing we will one day in the distant (but not TOO distant) future we will have more minutes in each day to spend as a family and so much less time in the car, is wonderful. We took a really long walk around one of the areas we love on Father's Day and I could really envision us building our lives there and how big of an impact it would have on our lives. We have to get through the tough stuff to get to that point, but we are in this together and are determined to make it happen.

Okay, just a little random check-in. I hope everyone is enjoying the soon-to-be summer weather and as much family time as you can.

Sara

Dear Izzy: Week 37

Dear Izzy,

We are spending a lot of time outside lately, as much as we can and you enjoy every minute of it. All of that heat keeps you nice and sweaty, even when hanging in the shade, but you don't mind because it just means more baths, which you are such a fan of these days.

Today we met up with our group of mama and baby friends at the park and were thoroughly covered in sweat upon arriving home, so, we snapped a few photos and then you and I jumped into the tub to wash off the sweat, sun screen and bits of avocado residue from our bodies. You loved having me there with you, just like we would do when you were such a tiny little baby and didn't want to be without mama's touch for even a moment. You are still like that though, always wanting your Mama, and I absolutely love the way you love me. Good news is, you also let your Grammy hold you for a few minutes a couple times recently and let Aunt Sam hold you for a few minutes on Father's Day weekend as well. It's so odd to see you in others arms since it is so uncommon, but I also love watching you enjoy the company of the people who love you so much and who mean so much to your Dad and me.

Oh, and big news for you is that you are growing your two bottom teeth! I felt the sharp little point of your bottom right one first and a few days later your left one is joining the party. You are growing up more quickly than I could have ever imagined and I love you so very fiercely every single second of it. I love having the privilege of being your Mama and feel lucky for it every day.

Love,

Mama

Dear Izzy: Week 36

Dear Izzy,

Each week I add these photos to an album titled "weekly Izzy" and when I see the photos from when you were smaller my eyes tear up. The tears are from sadness at how quickly you have grown, but today I realized they also come from the joy of knowing I was able to live those moments with you. We have made it through the ups and the downs and the joys and the thrills and we are together and stronger than ever as a family for having had these eight months with you. You have taught me to love fully and selflessly. You have given me the gift of increased patience. You have filled my heart with more love than I could have ever comprehended until you were in my arms. Yes, looking back it is hard to imagine you were ever so small and squishy and new just eight short months ago, but I am working hard to be in the present with you and at savoring the simple lovely extraordinary every day moments we can share together. You are my sweet helper, my sidekick, my constant companion, and I am going to soak that up just as much as I am able because I know before long you will be on the move and I will miss the physical closeness we now share. I have a feeling you will always come back to me for hugs and love though. As you grow I hope you will feel comfortable coming to me and to your dad for anything and trust that even if there is something scary or that you are afraid to tell us that we will never criticize or judge, we will only try to help you the best we can and be here for you in the ways we think are best and the ways you tell us you need. Never think you need to be afraid for even a moment of myself or your father. We will try our best to never hurt you or disappoint you, and while I know it may at times happen anyway, regardless of how hard we try, always know it is not our intention and feel free to point it out if it does happen so we can work through it together. We are a family, we are strong, and we need each other to be honest and loving and present, even when it may be challenging.

I love you to the moon and back and for a million miles more. You are incredible.

Love,

Mama

Gratitude

Today I am thankful for...

...a husband that got me out of the house and into the strawberry fields when it was very much needed.

...a daughter that fills my heart with love and challenges me to be a better version of myself each and every day.

...the ability to dream and hope.

...plants growing and growing and growing in our gardens.

...the chance to start on a new foot each day and try to make it a wonderful one.

...cloth diapers.

...safety from the storms.

...it only being one month out until my entire family is together.

...a smoother day than we've had in weeks.

What are you feeling thankful for during this first week of June (can you believe it?!)?

Sara

Dear Izzy: Week 35

Dear Izzy,

It can be hard to find a moment to sit and write these days as you are keeping us very busy, but I will make sure to do so each week in your first year, for I want you to have letters from me to read when you are older and I would like to have an account of these early days with you, my first child.

Today we took a long drive, as we have been doing much of lately. You are having trouble nursing due to congestion or sore teeth or some other reason I am unsure of, but if I can get you to take a nap it seems to reset something and you will gladly nurse afterward. The long drive we ended up on today brought us to a Pick-Your-Own Strawberry Farm and we enjoyed the adventure. You were able to ride on a wagon pulled by a tractor while sitting in dad's lap (and in mine on the way back) and you hung out on my chest in the ergo during our picking adventure, nursing most of the time and leaving Dad to do most of the picking. We were going to swing by a Horseradish Festival on the way home, but you were not having it, so we stopped to let you nurse a bit more and then headed home to make ourselves some pizza. You had some applesauce, but I don't think much got in your mouth, which is typical these days. You do swallow a bit of food here and there, but are more interested in playing with it and with filling up primarily with Mama Milk still. I'm wondering if you will be more interested and ready once a few of your teeth come through, but only time will tell. For now we just do what we need to do to keep you as happy as we can manage and know you will do things on your own schedule.  

These days are challenging, there is no denying that, but I know one day I will be able to look back and see how much we all have grown through this time together and be thankful for that. I am definitely thankful for you, each and every day, even on the ones that push me to my limits. My love will always be here. My arms will always be here. My heart will always be connected to your own.

Love,

Mama